Survival of the Fittest

This Month's Contestants:

Jann "Happiness is a Form of Psychosis" Arden

Céline "I Really Do Eat...Really" Dion

Jann wins because she defied the patriarchy by refusing to lose weight and, thus, change the beautiful person that she is.

The frail Céline, on the other hand, complied with the patriarchy and starved her already skinny self.

Amy's Note: People are too hard on the poor woman. Céline's ponytail-strutting, bald-headed, moldy husband/agent is mainly the cause of her wimpiness. René, you're going down, buddy!

Motherly Advice: Real-Life Mothers' Sayings

A tribute to our moms in all their wisdom
"Tuck in your shirt, dear, that way, the boys will see your hips."

Inane Diet of the Month:

The Rice-Conquers-All Diet: Eat rice
as your main course for EVERY meal.
This diet is inane because people in third-world countries eat like this and would gratefully eat shedloads of cheesecake!

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same...

From The Emily Post Book of Etiquette for Young People, 1967:

"If he likes tennis, bowling, or any other sport, practice up and make a good showing on the next court, alley, or whatever."

From The Old Stand-by Seventeen, 1991:

"Do consider volunteer work. It will give you a few things to start off a conversation with your crush object."

Since when does a guy have to be involved for a gal to do sports, or volunteer? Real people do that anyways.

Just in case you didn't get enough of Emily Post's wisdom, here's some more priceless advice:

"Here are a number of ways of improving your chances of keeping it cool, without appearing to be a real square:

Avoid movies that are too sexy

Don't ask him in after dates unless your parents are still up

Don't wear provocative clothes

Don't frequent lover's lanes. They're a real hazard; think of any reason to avoid going to one. You're starved-would he take you to a snack bar? You're exhausted-would he mind taking you home early tonight?"

Excuse me Ms. Post, but have you ever heard of telling the guy to "fuck off?" And then people wonder why date rape is so prevalent...Stay tuned for more precious advice on how to be the perfect, young submittress.

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