In the beginning was the one. And the one said "I am good." The one became two, because if one was good, then one had to be bad. But the one was not really good - just very egotistical. And the bad was not really bad either. In fact, instead of calling them good and bad, I prefer to call them pale and dark. Together they created the world - the land and the seas and the plants and all the birds and fish and animals. Then they didn’t really know what to do next.

But a beautiful thing happened. The newly created moon started tugging at the ocean and the ocean made love to the shore and from the foam of their union, I was born. I walked along the beach. And the dark one came and knelt before me and we knew each other. From our union, man was born. Yes, from our union, the infant man was born, and how anyone can believe that story in Genesis about man giving birth to me, I cannot understand. For woman is now and always has been, the only one capable of giving birth. Anyway, the dark one and I enjoyed each other’s company, and spent much of our time together and the pale one became very jealous. He came to me alone one night and he wanted me to lie with him. So, we lay together, but he did not please me as the dark one had. He wanted me to worship him but he did not worship me in return as the dark one had and so I did not enjoy his company and he became angry. He said that what the dark one and I were doing was wrong and he banished the dark one to a separate realm so that they would never again be reunited. And he took the infant man from me and left me alone on the earth for many years.

While I was alone I studied all the plants and learned their properties and many hidden things on the earth were revealed to me and the trees and flowers offered up their secrets to me. But the pale one raised man in his own image and told him many things that were not true. He caused man to have scorn for me and for the earth, and he told man that I was born of him and that it was my fault that man was not a god. All along, man was the offspring of gods but he wouldn’t believe it. He loved the pale one and believed everything he said. Once the pale one returned the man to me he would never listen to anything I said, whether it was about his true nature, my true nature or the nature of the earth. He insisted that he was mortal, that I was his servant and that the earth was cursed. Eventually, I gave up trying to communicate my knowledge to man. But I passed these secrets on to my daughters. And some of them still remember.

• Editor's Note: Yes, that monologue sure did shake up our Bible class. If y'all could have seen the looks on people's faces! It made me shiver with joy. Stay tuned for more Bible twistin'...